I just discovered these journal entry. I thought it would be helpful to someone to read. I wrote this on July 21, 2019:
Back in May of 2018, I said yes to a fitness journey. My best friend became a fitness coach and to support her, I became one of her first clients. Everyday, I woke up and the first thing I did was exercise for 30 minutes. Once a week, I’d meet up with her and we’d exercise and talk about our wellness. This continued for five months.
What I remember most from those five months was this overall feeling that I could breathe. My body was strong and my mind was strong. I was taking risks more and more which circulated this goodness feelings more and more. I didn’t worry about the little things, and I was overall relaxed. But then I stopped. Our family started going through recovery.
Recovery is an amazing thing, but honestly, when you first enter it, it sucks. Learning about addiction, how your brain works with it, how it affects yourself and others, it’s just a lot. You go through the pink cloud, but then you fall through it and enter the “dark night of recovery’ where you just don’t know who you are anymore. It’s like putting on a new pair of glasses and realizing that your old pair caused you to see everything blurry. And when you look through your new glasses you see everything clear and crisp, you begin to realize all the stuff you did before with your blurring glasses on doesn’t interest you anymore and then you think to yourself, FUCK… what have I been doing for the past 20 years?
They say in recovery, to start doing things you used to do before you started to drink to rediscover yourself. Of course I jumped right into that. I started creating art, hiking more, joined a mom’s group, practiced yoga regularly, and even started going back to church. These activities were scary for me to start again, but so rewarding to be a part of. Now I’m ready to bring back the next element of me- it’s time to start breathing again, to bring back that feeling of strength, physically and mentally.
Our family is coming up on our One Year Soberversary. The biggest realization through all of this is that my wellness is the enduring element through it all. There are seasons we go through, where we have to let go of things when we are in turbulent waters. When those things we let go of serve us, we CAN summon them back. I forgot how just 30 minutes of movement can impact my body and mind in such a positive way. I’m ready to summon that back.